the man in the iron mask

the aforementioned movie is the unfortunate victim of my first hysterical tirade on the web. not that there haven't been other movie that were far worse-- and there are...and i plan to furiously protest their making here on this page-- but i must start with this 1998 star-studded ridiculousness.

first-off, the accents:
where is king louis xiv's accent (played by leonardo dicaprio)? he sounds just like jack from titanic!!! sooooo, an american is ruling in france? in the 1600's? what the hell is going on? and what is the deal with the bad hair extensions? i guess the fusion technique hadn't really caught on in the 90's. d'artagnan (gabriel byrne) is talking in his irish accent, athos (john malkovich) has a malkovich accent with a bit of a "proper" tone, i'll give it that. aramis (jeremy irons) is...well, i can forgive jeremy irons for anything since he is my soulmate (we share the same birth day, sept. 19th) and he is foreign and HOT and my rose-colored glasses can overlook his part in this fallacy.

second, the lack of commitment:
did you notice while watching this film (and i was only able to watch the first 30mins, if that- and the godfather was on amc, how could i refuse the offer?) that the characters had this look about them like they knew the movie was a disaster? gabriel byrne's face is littered in disdain for his character; you can see in his expressions that he can't fully commit to d'artagnan. even the dirty peasants who storm the courtyard with rotten food look as though they have no idea they are supposed to be french. jeremy irons looks completely bored and contemptuous- how dare they waste his time and talent on such a project?

third, the dialogue:
Aramis: Sometimes there are more important things in life than a good pair of tits.
Porthos: Really? If you can name me one thing that is more sublime than the feel of a plump, pink nipple between my lips, I'll build you a new cathedral.
Aramis: Forgiveness...
Porthos: Forgiveness...?
[Porthos farts]
Porthos: There... am i forgiven? Come on... am i forgiven?
[play fight ensues between them]
from: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0120744/quotes

come on, folks, this is just unacceptable. and it's one of the first scenes in the movie. gerard depardieu interrupts jeremy irons while he is praying, comes in with a few whores, tells them to leave, and farts.

perhaps, my hopes were too high; maybe, i just wasn't in the mood for a horrible adaptation of france in the 1600's; NO- this movie was a mistake from the beginning. if you want to be enraged and feel that awkward sense of embarrassment that comes when you are watching the rejects on american idol, then go and watch this movie. otherwise, read the book, which is what i plan to do.