let me just say right now that i want to makeout something fierce with both tommy lee jones AND josh brolin on a hot and sweaty prairie mound in texas; even if it means that i will get massacred by javier bardem afterwards. woody harrelson graces the film with his cool, blue eyes for all of, like, 10 minutes- talking tough and then shutting up real quick.
this movie is just what i needed- no heroes, no crazy cgi, no hope. from the beginning you know that it's dark and stays that way throughout. it's funny because my dad kept saying, "this movie reminds me of fargo" while neither of us took the time to find out that it was, indeed, the coen brothers until after the movie was over. they have added another notch to the genius belt.
Monday, March 17, 2008
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
death sentence
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0804461/
if i could spell the gurgling of contempt in my throat (aaacchhhh...) this movie was the biggest let down in the month of january 2008. i bought it at walmart as part of a 2-pack-- the second movie was steven segal's marked for death.
john goodman plays the father of some gang leader, and is supposed to be intimidiating, harsh, and hardcore...all i saw was a shell of walter from the big lebowski; humorless and cursing less effectively. (he could have at least thrown in a vietnam reference.) there is one scene in the movie that is supposed to be the "turning point:" kevin bacon goes into a bar where the gang people hang out and asks the whereabouts of the leader. the bartender looks at him dirty and says something in spanish. then, kevin bacon proceeds to speak spanish back to the bartender very slowly and american-like-- no accent, no believeable tone of menace, nada. i was ready to stop the movie then and there but i wouldn't have been able to stand the fact that i had watched it up to that point, only to not see the predictable, anti-climactic ending. when it was over, i tried to break it in half but all i was able to do is bend it into a sharp, v-shaped object before i disposed of it properly. i kept the case to hold a random burned or bootlegged dvd.
if i could spell the gurgling of contempt in my throat (aaacchhhh...) this movie was the biggest let down in the month of january 2008. i bought it at walmart as part of a 2-pack-- the second movie was steven segal's marked for death.
john goodman plays the father of some gang leader, and is supposed to be intimidiating, harsh, and hardcore...all i saw was a shell of walter from the big lebowski; humorless and cursing less effectively. (he could have at least thrown in a vietnam reference.) there is one scene in the movie that is supposed to be the "turning point:" kevin bacon goes into a bar where the gang people hang out and asks the whereabouts of the leader. the bartender looks at him dirty and says something in spanish. then, kevin bacon proceeds to speak spanish back to the bartender very slowly and american-like-- no accent, no believeable tone of menace, nada. i was ready to stop the movie then and there but i wouldn't have been able to stand the fact that i had watched it up to that point, only to not see the predictable, anti-climactic ending. when it was over, i tried to break it in half but all i was able to do is bend it into a sharp, v-shaped object before i disposed of it properly. i kept the case to hold a random burned or bootlegged dvd.
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
the man in the iron mask
the aforementioned movie is the unfortunate victim of my first hysterical tirade on the web. not that there haven't been other movie that were far worse-- and there are...and i plan to furiously protest their making here on this page-- but i must start with this 1998 star-studded ridiculousness.
first-off, the accents:
where is king louis xiv's accent (played by leonardo dicaprio)? he sounds just like jack from titanic!!! sooooo, an american is ruling in france? in the 1600's? what the hell is going on? and what is the deal with the bad hair extensions? i guess the fusion technique hadn't really caught on in the 90's. d'artagnan (gabriel byrne) is talking in his irish accent, athos (john malkovich) has a malkovich accent with a bit of a "proper" tone, i'll give it that. aramis (jeremy irons) is...well, i can forgive jeremy irons for anything since he is my soulmate (we share the same birth day, sept. 19th) and he is foreign and HOT and my rose-colored glasses can overlook his part in this fallacy.
second, the lack of commitment:
did you notice while watching this film (and i was only able to watch the first 30mins, if that- and the godfather was on amc, how could i refuse the offer?) that the characters had this look about them like they knew the movie was a disaster? gabriel byrne's face is littered in disdain for his character; you can see in his expressions that he can't fully commit to d'artagnan. even the dirty peasants who storm the courtyard with rotten food look as though they have no idea they are supposed to be french. jeremy irons looks completely bored and contemptuous- how dare they waste his time and talent on such a project?
third, the dialogue:
Aramis: Sometimes there are more important things in life than a good pair of tits.
Porthos: Really? If you can name me one thing that is more sublime than the feel of a plump, pink nipple between my lips, I'll build you a new cathedral.
Aramis: Forgiveness...
Porthos: Forgiveness...?
[Porthos farts]
Porthos: There... am i forgiven? Come on... am i forgiven?
[play fight ensues between them]
from: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0120744/quotes
come on, folks, this is just unacceptable. and it's one of the first scenes in the movie. gerard depardieu interrupts jeremy irons while he is praying, comes in with a few whores, tells them to leave, and farts.
perhaps, my hopes were too high; maybe, i just wasn't in the mood for a horrible adaptation of france in the 1600's; NO- this movie was a mistake from the beginning. if you want to be enraged and feel that awkward sense of embarrassment that comes when you are watching the rejects on american idol, then go and watch this movie. otherwise, read the book, which is what i plan to do.
first-off, the accents:
where is king louis xiv's accent (played by leonardo dicaprio)? he sounds just like jack from titanic!!! sooooo, an american is ruling in france? in the 1600's? what the hell is going on? and what is the deal with the bad hair extensions? i guess the fusion technique hadn't really caught on in the 90's. d'artagnan (gabriel byrne) is talking in his irish accent, athos (john malkovich) has a malkovich accent with a bit of a "proper" tone, i'll give it that. aramis (jeremy irons) is...well, i can forgive jeremy irons for anything since he is my soulmate (we share the same birth day, sept. 19th) and he is foreign and HOT and my rose-colored glasses can overlook his part in this fallacy.
second, the lack of commitment:
did you notice while watching this film (and i was only able to watch the first 30mins, if that- and the godfather was on amc, how could i refuse the offer?) that the characters had this look about them like they knew the movie was a disaster? gabriel byrne's face is littered in disdain for his character; you can see in his expressions that he can't fully commit to d'artagnan. even the dirty peasants who storm the courtyard with rotten food look as though they have no idea they are supposed to be french. jeremy irons looks completely bored and contemptuous- how dare they waste his time and talent on such a project?
third, the dialogue:
Aramis: Sometimes there are more important things in life than a good pair of tits.
Porthos: Really? If you can name me one thing that is more sublime than the feel of a plump, pink nipple between my lips, I'll build you a new cathedral.
Aramis: Forgiveness...
Porthos: Forgiveness...?
[Porthos farts]
Porthos: There... am i forgiven? Come on... am i forgiven?
[play fight ensues between them]
from: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0120744/quotes
come on, folks, this is just unacceptable. and it's one of the first scenes in the movie. gerard depardieu interrupts jeremy irons while he is praying, comes in with a few whores, tells them to leave, and farts.
perhaps, my hopes were too high; maybe, i just wasn't in the mood for a horrible adaptation of france in the 1600's; NO- this movie was a mistake from the beginning. if you want to be enraged and feel that awkward sense of embarrassment that comes when you are watching the rejects on american idol, then go and watch this movie. otherwise, read the book, which is what i plan to do.
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